Champagne Dreams, Silver Linings

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 07:12:18 GMT

Deleted MySpace.

Felt like making a new LJ, so I did.

http://silenteuphoria.livejournal.com/

Yes, I plan to actually update and stuff with this one. Friend it if you want. If not, that's fine.

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 04:35:46 GMT

Blaaah. Here we go. Posted this at MySpace too because I'm that overwhelmed.

Good or bad first? Maybe bad, so the good will make me feel better.

I was having a relatively good day, then my mom picked me up from Caroline's. On the ride home..

'I've been meaning to ask you. Why is Hamzeh (my cousin) bad-mouthing you?'
'Bad-mouthing me? Like how?'
'He says you hang around with guys a lot. You're always with them. (blah blah blah)'

....

SO. I thought he cared about me. :3 Apparently NOT. Not to mention he's the one with a new girl on his arm every hour of the day, 24/7.

Then I come home, ask my sister to let me on for FIVE MINUTES since apparently in the five days I was gone they managed to botch my computer up to the point even AIM Express doesn't work. She refuses, of course. It's -her- computer.

Uh. Guess the childhood philosophy of sharing is out the window.

Speaking of which, I come home. Excited to be here. Missed you all. But now I wonder--aside from Marcos and Caroline--what DID I miss? (By the way, was at a friends cabin for five days)

My youngest sister didn't even give me a hug or say hi when I came back. But my cousin ran at me screaming and wouldn't let go. My middle sister hasn't seen me for six days and starts off by sassing me. My parents are arguing. I get called a lazy bum when I've JUST started my vacation after my first year of high school.

My dad tells me how my sisters have been nagging him for letting me go to the cabin. So my dad says he's going to start cracking down on me harder and to just let him so they don't think he loves me more than them.

This is NOT FAIR. My youngest sister--who is SIX YEARS YOUNGER--gets EVERY PRIVLEDGE I GET. Jesus. I sound like a brat, I know. :3

So much for family.

Not to mention, I meet a great guy. I really have this time. He's exciting, respectful, funny, etc. And he's the kind of guy who likes to meet his girlfriend's parents.

The problem?

He can't meet mine because they'd shoot him.

And I can't even fully enjoy myself around him because I feel like a dirty slut holding his hand behind my parents' back.

And now I've melded the good with the bad so it doesn't even sound good anymore.

I can't even pretend to be happy right now, anyway. Not to mention I came home eager to sleep in my own bed and it deflated on me!

What joys tomorrow will bring I can't even begin to imagine.

I leave you with one big SIGH.

~'Am I allowed to kiss you?'~

Mon, 29 May 2006 17:08:17 GMT

This Just In!

The quickest way to kill an obsession - Read Tabloids!

Thu, 25 May 2006 06:33:00 GMT

Wow. Hello, Livejournal. How have you been?

I have been scouring American Idol results shows waiting for Clay Aiken to show up. And guess what. It took the whole season, but he finally did and it was well worth it.

As Gohan kindly pointed out, it has been a miraculous 3-4 years since my Clay obsession first started. And I loved pointing it out to my mom that I am a -devoted- lover. :(

Speaking of luuuuurve.

I think. If Jake and Matt don't stop fucking around with me... they -may- be the first people to get me to my breaking point. I've been contemplating getting someone to throw around their scrawny asses, and if I can't find anyone willing, I'll do it myself.

And, I think I made a mistake watching Clay again before going to bed. :( Now all I can do is lay awake in bed thinking of him.

PATHTEIC. I know.

~'There are two rules you should follow in life.

Rule 1: Never tell anyone everything you know.'~

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 00:37:48 GMT

Okay, you know what guys?

I fucking love you.

All of you.

Just thought I'd share.

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 16:35:08 GMT

AUGH. Shit. I said it again. I have to stop throwing around that three-word phrase around so freely.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 03:44:56 GMT

Salutations, LiveJournal.

How goes it?

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 16:48:24 GMT

Sick on Christmas Morning. Just what I wanted.

Merry Christmas, for those who celebrate it. Happy Holidays for the others. And Happy Belated Festivus for the rest of us.

I still need to get rid of this Cinderella Man DVD, dammit, kids. =(

And I'm trying to get a Christmas picture, but just like gifts.. it'll probably be late. ~_~ I swear, I'm getting next years Christmas gifts in October. Or something. I need some rest now.

~'God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.'~

--Rascal Flatts. Yay.

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 03:44:00 GMT

So.

Anyone want a Cinderella Man DVD?

Seriously. Otherwise, it'll go to waste. Blah.

~'I think! We should play dress up. Then go seduce men. All day.'~

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 19:25:47 GMT

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Very Low
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

I would think my Sloth rating would be a bit higher, but I guess I have been trying harder to be more active. XD

...

There is something seriously wrong with me.

I'm still. So. Happy. ;__;

I swear to God, I'm sitting her alone, listening to a song... and I can't stop smiling. But I can't figure out WHY. Things/people that are making me happy, though are..

--Dobin~
--Clear
--Gohan
--Jams
--Rockie
--Kaija!
--Eric
--Erin
--The snow in my backyard. There's so much of it and it's UNTOUCHED.
--Kylia
--This song.
--The blanket. Over there. On my bed. o_o
--The pillow I'm sitting on.
--My iPod from Clear.
--A-Mazing Chocolates.
--Puchi Puri Yuushi

The list is too long. I give up.

Something upsetting me though..

I'MBROKEANDISTILLDON'THAVEALLTHEGIFTSINEEDWHENISCHRISTMASGOINGTOBEOVER?!

::breathes:: I need a job. OR..

::sets up kissing booth:: ;3

Seriously, though. I wanna just squeeze someone in a hug and laugh and jump and go to the mall and try on stupid hats again and, and, and. Yeah.

Being angry/upset takes too much energy. Being happy gives an endless amount of energy.

YES. This post had NO MEANING TO IT. Get over it.

~'I don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die.'~

--You know. I always read this and was all; 'That's... not funny.' until the other day my friend recited the quote and then when antoher buddy-buddy didn't get it she whispered 'Women!' and I GOT IT. AHAHAH. ... I need a tranq gun.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 07:59:01 GMT

I am so.. freaking.. BUBBLY. I thought I could sleep it off, but I swear it's even worse. SO MUCH LAV. ♥!

Bubblicious! Bloop. Homework time, then I'm going to suck it up and use this iPod Nano, despite the fear that I'll somehow destroy it.

AHHH. <33

~'Believe in yourself and NOTHING will stop you.'~

--See? I read it. =3

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 05:21:49 GMT

You know. It really fucking makes me mad when I spend 5 months chasing some bastard. And they all whine to me about how they're so lonely and that's why they get crushes on every woman who walks past them. Are they're all so BLIND they can't see they've been pushing away SOMEONE WHO CARES? I want to punch something.

People in general piss me off.

Seriously.

I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow.

Oh. And just incase I miss it; Merry Friglooski Christmas.

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 07:13:25 GMT

So.

I've logged into AIM to see a 'You're signed in at two different places' message two or three times now. And then I go to try to sign into Myspace and apparently I've been locked for 15 minutes due to excessive failed attempts.

Hm.

Speaking of Myspace, I want a Sadie's picture, dammit. If there's a good one, I'd gladly use it so I don't have to have a camera and shower curtains in my pictures anymore. Blah.

ANYWAY, yeah. I screwed my sleeping schedule. Still need to do homework. Need to figure out if it's spelled Nilson or Nilsen. Mr. Nasset's not going to be in Thursday or Friday so World History is going to suck. Still have to ask Dobie out since I promised. I even looked up how to seduce an Aries to help. I'm such a loser.

His birthday is April 1st, which makes me smile. He makes me smile in general. Now, if I can do anything short of flashing the loser to get his attention, that'd be great.

And I want a pair of Victoria's Secret wings. Blah.

~'Bang Bang,
He shot me down
Bang Bang,
I hit the ground
Bang Bang,
That awful sound
Bang Bang,
My baby shot me down.'~

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 04:49:54 GMT

So. Assignment was to make a list of long-term goals. Here we go.

1 - Give Russell Her Birthday Present (Yes, this could take a while. Shut up.)
2 - Visit Anderson. (Again, this could take a while.)
3 - Graduate.
4 - Get Nasset's Cookie Recipe
5 - Leave My Living Hell
6 - Get A Job
7 - Get A Life

I think those are some pretty good goals.

Now, my rushed short-term goals.

Get an outfit for Sadie's (Which is on FRIDAY. Dammit.)

Clear tried to scare Matt out of going to Sadie's with me, and I was secretly holding out on getting my outfit in hopes he would cancel. He hasn't.

I could've easily avoided the situation by saying no. Too bad I suck at that. Not to mention Health has somewhat scared me and I'm scared someone will slip GHB or something into my drink. Which reminds me, Nilsen got all worried about his wife when he learned about GHB and called her and all that fun, cute stuff. I should add 'Nab a Nilsen' to my goals.

On a different note. Gin can drive, we can go out ADULT-LESS now.

~'I want to get shot in the head or something so Nilsen can 911 me.'~

--Hahah. I've probably played this joke to death. =( But it's so fun.

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 02:16:37 GMT

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Amazingly, I finished my homework.

THEN I got bored and did these.

Ironic how I can be both Histrionic and Avoidant. Quizzes fail. A lot.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 13:31:33 GMT

It's nearing noon. I can hear men talking outside my Room. They are walking to the Dining Hall they are laughing about something I wonder what they'll feel when the laughing stops. In here laughing is the only drug. Laughing or love. They're both drugs.'

A Million Little Pieces by James Frey.

Go out. Buy it. Read it. Now.

At the age of 23, James Frey woke up on a plane to find his four front teeth knocked out, his nose broken, and a hole through his cheek. He had no idea where the plane was headed nor any recollection of the past two weaks. an alcoholic for ten years and a crack addict for thee, he checked into a treatment facility shortly after landing. There he was told he could either stop using or die before he reached age 24. This is Frey's acclaimed account of his six weeks in rehab.

The summary hardly does it justice. But really, if you need shit to do, get this book. Although if you don't already talk like a trucker, you may after reading this book. Hurr.

~'If there was a God, I would spit in his face for subjecting me to this. If there was a Devil, I would sell him my soul to make it end. If there was something Higher that controlled our individual fates, I would tell it to take my fate and shove it up its fucking ass. Shove it hard and far, you Motherfucker. Please end. Please end. Please end.'~

--Another excerpt. Surprise.

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 04:47:47 GMT

Dances suck. And no, the fact I can't dance is not the main reason anymore.

My date to my first dance sucks.
He's full of himself, according to Gin.
And he tells me he'll probably be standoffish at the dance.
Plus, he's been telling people -I- asked -him- to go.

...

::strangling motion::

Not to mention the group I'm going with is ginormous.
25-30 girls with their dates. That's 50-60 people. WHY?
And I normally don't mind buying shit for people. But how am I going to explain I'll need roughly $100 for a dance, without letting my parents in on the fact I'm paying for myself and my date.

The fun part is I get to dress up like a cowgirl thing. The perfect excuse to buy cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. Once I tell my parents about the dance, that is.

Everyone says 'You should've said no! Tell him off! He's using you! Blah blah blah!'

Yeah, that's great advice and whatnot

Problem is, I'm one fucked up little cookie.

~'Now I know I have a heart, because it is breaking.'~

--Tin Man, Wizard of Oz

Courtesy of Gohan

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 05:48:17 GMT

FOR ROCKIE. Grr at the rest of you.

1. I'll respond with something random about you. -- I miss you. SO. MUCH. Come back.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. -- Kryptonite, Shrek 2, 'Ain't No Stoppin Us Now~'
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. -- Pink. Shut up. It's a flavor now.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. -- Look at me eat with POISE, Rockie. LOOK.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you. -- My first? I'd really rather my favorite. Which is the first time you told me that all your friends called you Rockie and you wanted me to call you that, too.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of. -- Kitties and bunnies. Cabbits. And ducks.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you. -- What do you believe happens after we die?
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. -- Been there, done that, eh?

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 03:57:43 GMT

New quarter of school. My Goal: Write shit in my agenda. And no, it's not White Goat Shit in my agenda, Gohan. >(

~'Will you love me?
Take care of me?
Heal -all- of my pain?

...I didn't think so...'~

-BiKaZe

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 04:42:54 GMT

So like, two weeks ago, Natalia took me to Barnes and Noble. While we were there she bought a gift for Chad and I bought this Astrology book that hit the nail on the head so well it was scary. Then I read like.. 80% of the Gemini stuff to Gohan and Neko and they were both 'Hell yes!' more than not.

Natalia used the compatibility part of the book to see how things should've/could've gone with our respective ex-loves. Taurus and Libra is apparently a no-go. Cancer and Taurus coud be a match made in Heaven.

Natalia and I just sulked though and got depressed, so she bought me a chocolate bar to eat later after I broke my fast. I need to stop craving sweets when I'm upset. I'm gonna get so fat.

Hm, anyway. After my doctor appointment, we went to Cheapo and I bought three CDs. Two used, one new. 3 Doors Down - The Better Life, Puddle of Mudd - Come Clean, and NickelBack - All The Right Reasons.

I've heard some of the 3 Doors Down songs on the 'The Better Life' CD, I've heard one or two of Puddle of Mudd but I'm really obsessing over my new Nickelback one. I also wanted this Unwritten Law CD, and Dane Cook's CD, but I couldn't find Dane Cook and I couldn't find a used version of Unwritten Law. So, sucks for me. There's always next time and I'm happy with my purchases. I don't think I'll have to buy anything new anytime soon, though. I can't seem to stop listening to the NickelBack CD. I tried changing it to Puddle of Mudd, but immediately switched back to NickelBack. Yeah. It's just that great.

And as a small update, it's a good thing I didn't buy 'em 'cause Gin, the sweetie, managed to get a friend of hers to burn me most of Dane's CDs. Score.

Back to the book. I almost had to laugh at how the book described my tantrums because it was so true. And because I'm vain, here are some excerpts of the Cancer persona.

You are more vulnerable than the average person.

You're at the mercy of your moods, a slave to your sensitivities, and a miserable victim of the full moon. You're so insecure that you live your life from a place of defense, conjecture, and downright suspicion.
Your emotions batter you about until there is nothing left but one weepy woman who wants to be left alone to choke and drown in her own tears. However, if it happens to be a day when you feel more irritable than melancholy, you might massacre someone else's feelings with one savagely sarcastic comment that comes down like a swift blow to the brain. Instantaneously, you can turn into a cold, critical barracuda. However, while one very innocent victim is left blubbering and berating himself for what he must have done to cause such a cruel comment, what he doesn't realize is that it's a displaced anger releasing itself.

When really provoked, you can get hysterical and throw the kind of tantrum that tempts a bystander to give you anything that you want just to buy some peace.

You have a penchant for falling in love with the kind of man who can never quite make up his mind--about you.
Usually, everything else is quite clear to him. He knows how he feels about his mother, his great-aunt, his job, his boss, his secretary, his ex-wife, his first girlfriend when he was twelve, and his dog. But you... the brow furrows. The ebullient enthusiasm drops off to a few dragged-out monosyllables, the corneas get cloudy, and the phrases become dangerously uncommitted. Suddenly you feel like an anxiety-ridden dinner guest with a dish of unedible food in front of you and no hungry dog sitting underneath the table. You stand there holding your breath as he bends over to tie his shoes, hoping feverently that when he stands up, he'll say something.
He does. Good-bye.

Too often, you become enslaved in situations where the level of human warmth just barely exceeds that of an institution for the criminally insane. When you stubbornly clutch at what's worst for you, without considering what you're really doing to yourself, you create an unfortunate personal injustice that may take years to rectify in your own mind.

You're usually the one to make an early commitment. After the fifth date, it's not beyond you to start worrying about whether you're going to wear a traditional veil at the wedding.

Once you consciously make a commitment to a person or situation, you view it seriously and do your best to fulfill your part.

You carefully conceal your feelings and suffer inside. Marital fidelity is crucial to your sense of well-being, for the pain you can suffer from such disillusionment is strong enough to endanger your emotional makeup for years to come, as you cling to those tormented feelings.

You have a way of looking at all your lovers as prospective marriage partners and mentally assuring yourself that it's just a matter of time. Meanwhile, the object of your intense affections could be telling you in little ways that the only possibility is a freer kind of love that does not and never will include marriage. However, chances are that you'll make yourself believe that this person is suffering a brain fever and will soon recover his or her senses.

Love means everything, and without it you're a miserable person trying to make the best of things.

You are a highly emotional individual who often allows sentiment to saturate your romantic experiences. Therefore, it is not unlikely that you have suffered some bitter disappointments because of your relentless subjectivity.

Until you find your partner, a subliminal kind of pain seems to sift through you.

And that's just a tiny excerpt. There are pages of information. And I'll probably be willing to read/type about anyone to anyone for the next few days.

In a nutshell, I'm doomed unless I can find someone crazy enough to hold a ... barracuda, was it? and listen while she vents her heart out, all the while knowing she still loves him and her anger isn't purposely directed at him.

I've been told already no one is so perfect they'll put up with all of -my- vices. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

My mom confronted me about leaving and while she hasn't said when... it's pretty much solid she's leaving. She said that she and my dad need a break from each other. What they really need is to go live on opposite sides of the Earth and stay there.

My mom gave me her cell phone, though. It's with Cingular and pretty nifty. Except I think I broke it already. Oops? Pity since now if Eric actually cares enough to call me, I won't get the call. Guess I should get it fixed soon.

ALSO. I bought a carnivorous plant called a Cobra Lily and she's the cutest thing in the world. Natalia bought one too. Then went back and bought one for a friend and a second one for herself. And we both are so addicted and want some more. I even saw mine eat a lady bug.

My dad blew his last fuse this weekend. He absolutely went psychotic and unlike my usual self, I had a time with him and pretty much flipped him off with my silence rather than my fingers. And then I pulled my usual stunt and locked myself in the bathroom. But even though I shook as if I was sobbing and my eyes watered up, no tears fell. For once. About time.

We finally made it to Chicago, too, to see my mom's sister from Germany and 3 of her five daughters. One is my age, Razan, and she's gorgeous. We're both Cancers apparently, and it wasn't until the end we started to talk and hang out together. I love my Uncle Omar, who I affectionately refer to as The Dude, and it was heartbreaking having to leave him. It was hard leaving anyone there. My grandma is so ill, and I'm worried sick for her. They're coming here on Thursday and we're making plans to go to Dubai over Christmas break... but when we said bye the only ones who didn't cry were me, the 15-month old baby, my grandpa (as far as I saw) and Natalia. Don't get me wrong. I felt like crying, but the tears just wouldn't come once again.

Blah blah blah. This is a hella long. And it could go on to be ten times longer, but I'll spare you all that ramble.

~'This time, this place
Misused, mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
You know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
And you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
You know, you know

That I loved you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
And you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know..

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I need you
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Hold on to me and
Never let me go'~

--I did say I was obsessed, didn't I? Bugger off.

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 19:44:18 GMT

To give myself the credibility of being capable of loving and being loved in return was perhaps my biggest mistake, considering the only example I've had is my parents. It's almost frightening how much my parents' relationship mimics the one I had so well. And now I have to wonder if there's more relationships just like that waiting for me.

My mom's leaving again. And she's not taking us with.

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 05:48:30 GMT

I see the picture clear now, the fog has lifted.
The wool you tried to pull over my eyes was clever.
Yeah, you're gifted.
But you forgot to dot some 'i's, and cross some 't's along the way.
I'm better now despite you baby.
I'm stronger these days.
Stronger.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed,
I survived you.

I can look in the mirror now.
It's been a slow awakening.
Haunted by a heart full of you, I couldn't help mistaking,
That you could ever care for anyone...
Anyone but yourself. Hey.
But you would have to have a conscience baby.
Good luck, I wish you well.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.
I survived you.

This heart has been torn in two.
Cut and bruised.
With too many bitter endings.
I'll be damned if I have thoughts of you
Rain on my new beginning.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.

I survived the crash.
Survived the burn.
Survived the worst, yeah baby, but I learned.
Survived the lies.
Survived the blues.
Almost killed me, but I survived the truth.
And when you wrote me off like I was doomed.
I survived you.

--

I'm marrying Clay Aiken. Period. He's a total sweetheart, can sing and has an accent.

YES, I'M SHALLOW. >( At least I'm not marrying him for his looks.

Edit//Oh. Jah. I forgot the main reason for this. PEER PRESSURE.

http://img382.imageshack.us/img382/7462/shades2fw.jpg

Yah, I know. :D I cheated a little, but it's a picture of me. So now y'all bugger off.

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 03:04:48 GMT

Things that make you Happy
Then tag six others to do the same.

1. Chocolate. Hot chocolate. Chocolate milk. Pretty much all chocolate.

2. Friends.

3. When my friends do/say nice things for/about me without reason other than that they care. Long and corny I know, but it really is a great pick-me-up.

4. Sleep.

5. Talking to someone who can make me laugh a lot and forget that the world is falling down on top of me.

6. Crying/screaming/venting. Okay, maybe it doesn't make me happy. But when you've been fighting back tears for, like, EVER.. God, does it feel good to get them out.

7. Car rides. With the music blasting and someone there with me.

8. Not caring. Be it not caring about something/someone that hurts, not caring about my appearance, not caring what others think, etc.

9. When I'm right about a gut feeling or something. Granted, sometimes it's bad. Like being right about something bad happening, but yeah. It's still pretty cool when it feels like you saw/knew something was going to happen and you wind up being right.

10. My Guardian Angel.

Forget tagging. Do it if you're bored, I guess.

And then...

Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

I'm not expecting a big response, I guess. But Rockie posted it, so I did too.

~'Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.'~

--Aphra Behn

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 21:30:58 GMT

Well. I think a tiny bit of self-esteem has finally come back to me. I finally, FINALLY, for the first time this year got 100% on a test/quiz. In Algebra of all things, the one class I literally sleep through 80% of the time. And of course today after the initial 'Yay, I aced it!' reaction, I conked out on my desk. And I breezed through the Chemistry Jeopardy game--except for the 80s music category but screw that.

So I guess I can take 'I'm stupid' off my list of things bringing me down right now. The rest are still kicking me in the ass, though. Fun stuff.

Just a few thoughts on my teachers.

Mrs. Anderson - Indifferent.
Mr. Nasset - Funny, nice--first teacher to actually get me interested in social studies-esque stuff since elementary school. That's not to put down Ms. Stromberg , though.
Ms. Duek - Very, very strongly dislike her. I can't wait until she goes on her maternity leave and I secretly have my fingers crossed that Mr. Erdmann will come teach us, even though I know that's not going to happen.
Mr. Nyberg - He has the most sarcastic, monotone sense of humor ever. And it's just awesome.
Mr. Nilsen - ♥
Mr. Boone - ... What can I say? I sleep in class and he doesn't seem to notice. It can't be all bad. But class is insanely dull. A horrible way to end the day.

Hm. Yup. Great.

...

GOD. I need a self-loathing moment here.

I. Fucking. Hate. Myself.

And feeling this way is so ironic since this self-loathing makes me all the more hateful. Get over yourself, Samrina. Blah blah blah. But I could just write a NOVEL with a list of all the things I hate and wish I could change. I'm just going to blame hormones, though. I can't wait till they cool the fuck off. Maybe that scene in The Devil's Advocate won't keep replaying with me at the receiving end instead of what's-his-face.

Honest to God I don't know what the hell set off such an extreme negative feeling--actually. That's a lie. I do have an idea, I guess the reason just too for-fucking-ever to sink in. Boy, aftermath is great, isn't it?

Oh well. I guess it feels a bit better to get this troubling feeling out somehow, even if it is nothing more than an online journal. And I'll spare you guys the usual big ole rant and keep that to myself. I know what you'd all say, and I'm not fishing for comments, sympathy, pity, etc. so that'd all fall on deaf ears, anyway.

~'"Does he make you laugh?"
"He doesn't make me cry"'~

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 23:22:28 GMT

Homecoming dinner was.. uneventful. I was envious of my friends' corsages, but that's okay 'cause MIROKU is going to get me one. (I hope you're happy now.)

I should -probably- be doing my homework, but I don't very much feel like it. I'm probably too incompetent to complete the majority of it correctly anyway. Amazingly, however, the only class I'm having trouble turning in work on time is Algebra.

How much you want to bet we stalked Clay and it was all my idea?

Seven things in my room:
1) Chocolate.
2) CDs.
3) Desk.
4) Chair.
5) Bed.
6) Floor.
7) Dust.

Seven things to do before death:
1) Go to Egypt, France, and a few other places.
2) Sky dive.
3) Pop a baby. Maybe.
4) The rest are all likely to change. Or, I simply can't think of anything.
5) -
6) -
7) -

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1) Some intelligence/common sense.
2) Someone with their own opinions, but not so close-minded they refuse to listen to anyone else.
3) Funny/sense of humor.
4) Reliable.. not quite the word I want, but it'll do.
5) Doesn't care if I'm phugley.
6) Patient. They'll need it with me.
7) Protective.

Top EIGHT things you say the most:
1) Maybe.
2) Yeah.
3) Seriously.
4) Oh snap.
5) Ahh.
6) I don't know.
7) God.
8) -

Seven facts about you:
1) I get gut feelings about things a lot, but I'm too scared to follow them since they might be wrong.
2) Sometimes I wish I could've been a blonde caucasian. Or a red-head.
3) Other times, I'm glad I'm a brunette.
4) I have a hard time hating people for more than a few seconds.
5) I forgive, probably too easily, but never forget.
7) I suck at these things.

Seven things that make you sad:
1) Me.
2) Myself.
3) And I.
4) Being used or anything similar.
5) When pretty much anyone or anything is in physical or emotional pain.
6) Not understanding/knowing.
7) Other things?

DO YOU:
Smoke?: No.
Read the newspaper?: No.
Pray?: No. Well.. sometimes. Kinda-sorta.
Gone skinny dipping?: No.
Had a medical emergency?: Possibly.
Had surgery?: No.
Ran away from home?: Null.
Played strip poker?: No.
Gotten beaten up?: Yes.
Beaten someone up?: No.
Been on stage?: Yes.
Slept outdoors?: Possibly.
Pulled an all nighter?: Yes.
If yes, what is your record?: I don't keep track.
Been on radio/tv?: Don't think so. Well, there was a small shot of me giving my uncle flowers in the news once.
Been in a mosh-pit?: No.
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: Yes.
Pepsi or coke?: Either or.
Chocolate or vanilla?: Chocolate.
Internet or phone?: Internet.
Suicidal?: I hope not.
Stubborn?: About some things.
Open-minded?: I hope so.
Arrogant?: If I am, someone slap me or something.
Patient?: I try to be.
Hyper?: Sometimes.
Nice?: If you say so.
Happy?: Not right now, no.
Shave your head for $1000?: Keep your stupid money.
Like candles?: Love them.
Believe in love at first sight?: Undecided.
Believe in forgiveness?: Pretty much.
Want to get married?: To whom?
Want to have kids?: With whom?
Ever want to adopt kids?: Undecided.

ABOUT YOU:
[three words that sum you up]: Surprise me.
[jewelry worn daily]: None.
[cofffee]: No thanks.
[shoes]: Socks or nothin'.
[cologne/perfume]: None.
[clothing you have on]: Pajamas. I didn't feel like doing much today.

—IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...—
[cried]: Take a guess.
[bought something]: No.
[gotten sick]: Feels like it.
[sang]: Probably.
[eaten]: Erm. Maybe.
[been kissed]: No.
[felt stupid]: As always.
[wanted to tell someone you love them, but you didn't]: Perhaps.
[talked to an ex]: I think that was 24 hours ago, yeah.
[seen someone you have a crush on]: Not really.
[had a serious talk]: Hm. No.
[missed someone]: Maybe.
[hugged someone]: No.
[argued with a parent(s)]: I haven't really spoken to either one.

—SOCIAL LIFE—
[best friend]: Null.
[boyfriend/girlfriend]: No. Wait.. Yes. Maybe. >_>
[hobbies]: School.
[car you drive]: None.
[would you rather be with friends or on a date]: Depends.
[job]: None.
[church]: None.
[like being around people]: Depends.

I WANT: to do these later, when my brain is functioning.
I HAVE:
I WISH:
I HATE:
I MISS:
I FEAR:
I HEAR:
I SEARCH:
I WONDER:
I REGRET:
I LOVE:
I CARE:
I ALWAYS:
I SING:
I CRY:
I FIGHT:
I WRITE:
I CONFUSE:
I LISTEN:
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND:
I NEED:
I AM HAPPY:

LAST PERSON WHO
. Slept in your bed: No idea.
. Saw you cry: No one sees me cry. Loser.
. Made you cry: Hm. Good question.
. You shared a drink with: Don't recall.
. You went to the movies with: Hm.
. You went to the mall with: Natalia.
. Yelled at you: Uh.

So yeah. That was fun, I guess. The leaves outside are changing colors. That's always fun. Autumn is awesome.

Been thinking and realized that as many times as I think, say and want to leave here when I turn 18.. I have nowhere to go. Fun. Stuff. So instead I figured I'll save up for a road trip. A solo, year-long trip most likely. See if during that trip I can find somewhere I want to stay, a college to go to. Maybe finally decide what I want to major in. Etcetera, etcetera. I want to take a year off of school before I start college. I know a problem with that is probably going to be that if I don't go right away I'll probably keep putting it off forever, but that's why I decided that once (if) I graduate from high school I'm going to take a year off and then once that year is over I'm forcing my sorry ass into college.

Blah blah blah. I've run my mouth long enough, I think.

~'Dude, look at us. We're so grown up. We've gone from hugs and snuggles to tappin' that ass.'
'We're SO mature.'~

--I'm so disappointed.